This is the final part of a series of articles which attempt to comprehensively examine the discrimination of women in today’s world. Read part 2 and part 1.
The next step after marriage is being a mother. This step is even more challenging for women. There are too many expectations, interventions, and even judgments from society at this stage of a woman’s life.
I am not a mother yet, but I know a lot of mothers around me. The early challenge for this motherhood is that woman has a deadline for getting pregnant. A man can get older and be a hot bachelor like a fine wine, whereas a woman can get older and be a hot lady but with an expired womb.
Medical research said that older man can still reproduce as long as he doesn’t have major health issues. Meanwhile, older women can’t reproduce after menopause. A woman is suggested not get pregnant after 35 years old because the risk is higher once you’ve passed that age. Consequently, the majority encourages women to get pregnant as soon as possible following their marriage. “Don’t wait longer or your womb is expired!”, they said.
Following pregnancy, people get busy debating about natural labor and caesarian labor. The older generation prefers natural labor, saying that you will never be a perfect mother unless you give birth naturally. They believe that natural labor gives the chance for a woman to go through a real struggle and pain to bring a new human being into the world. That caesarian labor was chosen by a weak woman who is afraid of pain and who doesn’t want the hassle. This can’t be further from the truth.
I have a lot of acquaintances who went through caesarian labor. They endured pain and fight for life so hard. The post-surgery pain is also real and tormenting. The pain was exacerbated by the useless opinion of people around them who glorifies normal labor.
In the end, we should accept the fact that both ways of labor are painful. It’s not the ways that define the real meaning of being a mother. It’s more about how you develop your children to be the best version of themselves.
Being a mother is a challenge. Being a single mother is another story. I have known a single mother who is really happy with her life right now. She is a successful businesswoman who has a smart and healthy kid. She can provide her kid with the best education and spend much quality time together.
Still, the netizens love badmouthing her. She told me that some of her followers in social media blame her as if she was too powerful that her ex-husband felt inferior and then decided to leave her. Some others advise her to lower her independency so that men around her don’t feel intimidated, thus they will have the courage to approach her.
People around her make her think that her being a single mom, strong and successful woman are her fault. Furthermore, people around her make her think that her life will never be well enough until she finds a new husband and a new father for her kid. Even if she said that they are divorced because the husband had cheated, most people will excuse her husband’s behavior as the nature of a man who is adventurous, mischievous, and full of curiosity.
Drowning in the Work Field
Having a job is the next phase of life following school. I actually started having a side job during my study at university. I took part-time jobs to full-time jobs every midterm break. I had been a cashier and waitress in a food court, a sales promotion girl (SPG) in a cellphone shop, and a freelance journalist.
Most of the time, potential customers approached me more because of my looks instead of the products. Some male customers came to my stand and pretended to be interested in the product I offered. They asked various things, even personal things, just to make sure they got more time to talk with me or my fellow SPGs.
There was this customer, a middle age man, who kept coming back every couple of days. He kept asking for recommendations about the best phone for his needs. Every time he came, he flirted with all girls in my stand and kept us busy by asking us to show every phone we had, and explain every single thing about it. Sometimes he came just to tell us his feeling towards his wife and children.
One day, all of the sudden, he asked me to marry him after he found out that we came from the same hometown. He said that he knows I have interest in him because I smile a lot and act friendly to him. He also said he would buy all available phones if only I accept his proposal.
I rejected him directly, saying that I am neither interested in him, nor in being his second wife. I also said that I still want to focus on continuing my study. The next time he came to the mall, he never stops by my stand anymore. He started to look at me angrily.
From the experience, I learned that being polite and friendly (when my job requires me to do so) could be misinterpreted as the act of teasing, and being a woman tends to be objectified by men.
Taking “a woman’s job” tends to be underestimated by men. Even fellow women look down on it, trapped by the stigma that being an SPG or a waitress means she is “bispak” (bisa dipakai, the literal translation is a usable woman – a woman who can be taken by any man to give them sexual service). Supporting the stereotype of the job, a man who works in this field is usually seen as a girly man.
The disparity between men and women in work later generates discrimination in fields. Some fields are considered “men’s jobs” and some others as “women’s jobs”. Fields that need more critical thinking, agility, and strength are meant for men, whilst the ones that need more affection, emotional approach, and patience are meant for women.
Consequently, careers in science and sports are seen as more masculine. Recent research published on June 2022, held by conjoint researchers from various universities in the United States, found that women are credited and patented less in science than men. A recent study has suggested that women in science are more undervalued rather than less productive.
Those lessons brought me to feel safer acting more like a man. I started to dress and behave more masculinely, even thinking more logically to make people around me focus more on my performance and achievement instead of my appearance. Reflecting on those old times, I now realize that my own mindset was also a form of belittling women.
Life went by, I got a steady job in a creative company that was majorly run by men. My fellow office mates were nice to me so we could blend so well. Yet, some clients still focused on my gender although I acted and dressed more masculinely at that time. They got excited when they found there was a woman finally joining the creative team. Later my manager kept bringing me to meetings that weren’t even related to my project, just because some clients requested my attendance.
The tendency to objectify women and to look down on them then brought us to discrimination. Helena Maria Viramontes, a writer and a professor of English, wrote an article for National Geographic. In that article, she shared how her mother had to do an extra work but still got paid less. She accentuated how pay inequity to working women is persistent, shameful, and still widely tolerated.
Particularly in the article, Helena shared the fact that inequity is still happening in the United States. Moreover, racial difference has worsened discrimination. The infographic she shared there showed a bitter prediction on ages to equity where the woman of color, especially the black woman and Latinas, will not reach the parity of wages in this century.
The article still talks about the fact in an advanced country. So, what about developing countries, like Indonesia, which has already been left behind then?
What can we do?
It is indeed a bitter pill for women to swallow. The conditions that put women in much harder life is too persistent. One of the oldest research findings stated that men, with their testosterone, have more muscles and thicker bones which made them stronger and faster than women. Men are more rational while women are more emotional. It feels as if it’s not wise to let any woman make important decisions.
Using the old research and beliefs, society has this faith about women as second-class citizens. I don’t blame the research since its nature is to portray facts among the majority when the data was being taken. It’s the perspective and the interpretation of the people with tendencies and stereotypes that make the condition imperishable. Their biased perspective will deflect the findings as a justification for their ego.
As a consequence of this condition, I notice feminism is far stronger than before. Feminist makes movement and make more active campaign. Some of them even more aggressively attack masculinity, misogynist, and patriarchy. Some others may even change their core agenda from fighting for equal positions with men to superiority over manhood.
Sadly, this war brings feminism facing backlash. The term “Feminazi” is popular again. Some people have even assaulted feminism by saying it is an act of tantrum women.
Again, such a condition is alive and kicking in society. Even with more awareness these days, I personally think this awry position of women will still happen for centuries to come. The guilty and subordinate mindset is already inherited for too long inside women’s souls. It depends on us to decide, whether we want to step outside the faux comfort (that is actually not comforting) or just accept it as it is.
Do you still have hope on this?
