The second part of the three-part series which comprehensively looks at discrimination against women is now focusing on the origin of such unfair treatments. Read part 1.
I personally believe that the unfairness towards women starts with the family. Culture (especially eastern culture) that runs in the family stands on patriarchal values and the whole family members pass the value from generation to generation.
The main concept of patriarchy is to believe that man is the head of the family. Everything in the family inherits based on the man’s bloodline. My mom introduced me to the terms “cucu dalam” (the literal translation is “inside grandchildren”) and “cucu luar” (the literal translation is “outside grandchildren”) in Chinese culture.
Cucu dalam means the grandchildren from the paternal side. This cucu dalam is the one who is admitted as the real grandchildren of the family. They are entitled to the family legacy (the bloodline, the name, the wealth, and the protection).
Meanwhile, cucu luar means the grandchildren from the maternal side. This cucu luar is seen more as complementary. They are loved but are put behind the cucu dalam.
This culture has driven the Chinese family to prefer having sons over daughters. Having a son is considered a useful investment because only men can continue the family lineage.
I remember how my mother-in-law keeps praying for a grandson as my firstborn. She needs him to continue the family’s clan. Please don’t blame me for being worried to have a daughter, remembering that my daughter will be disregarded by her grandparents just because she is a woman.
More about patriarchy, man is praised as the provider of the family. He gives life to the family and woman is existed to be his supporter who nurtures life. This leads to an “old principle” saying that woman is supposed to be less educated than man. She can’t have a better career, better income, better social life, and better fortune because, in the end, her nature is to live as a wife and a mother where her world is only home.
I remember how my mother keeps reminding me not to only focus on my education and career. She planted the mindset that no matter how successful your career is and how great your education is, if a woman can’t do domestic tasks and is incapable to take care of the family properly, then it’s all nothing.
So, in the end, a woman has to sacrifice her dream for the family. Man can explore the outside world to expand their knowledge and experience. It is needed since man will be the provider for the family. On the other side, women please stay at home to learn how to take care of the house and the family members.
That’s why when it comes to the decision about who the parents will choose to give the money to pursue higher education, most parents will choose their sons over their daughters.
We can see the illustration of this in a movie titled Ngeri-Ngeri Sedap. In the climax scene, Sarma, the only daughter, was crying out of her heart, screaming that she is the one who has to sacrifice everything so that her brothers could pursue their dream, while the parents still have her to lean on.
When it comes to marriage, a woman has to swallow bitter pills. We are married to extend our duty as a caregiver. Some even still hold on to the value that after marriage, women need to stop working. If the woman works, it will be seen as a statement of competition or rebellion against the husband.
Extremely, when a woman chooses to be single and independent, society tends to find it unsettling. It still feels wrong and threatening. You might hear people around wondering why there are a lot of women who look happy for being single and successful near their 40s. Isn’t she afraid of being an old maid and expired?
Even though in this modern era where society is believed that men and women are more equal, I still find that women need to do extra. This personal yet general example below might give you clearer vision.
A man can marry and keep the focus on his career. A woman can be married, but it’s a must for her to be able to take care of the family. After a long hour at work, a man can just go home to find a hot bath and a warm dinner already prepared by his wife.
A working married woman, on the other side, still has a lot of tasks to do even after she just arrived home from work. She must prepare dinner, make up the house, do the laundry, and prepare the food for tomorrow before has the time to sleep.
These days, equal role in domestic task is happening. Regardless, the majority still see this as something wrong. Even my mother still complains whenever she sees my husband washing the dishes or when I don’t prepare his meal. I feel that I as a woman am designed to feel bad and guilty for not doing the “wifey tasks”.
The dilemma of women is even aggravated by fellow women. A lot of my relatives and colleagues complain about their position as a wife. The elders, specifically the mother-in-law, usually blamed the wife whenever the family turns to the wrong way.
If a husband did a bad thing, made mistakes, or faced hard times, his wife took the blame. My woman friend said that her mother-in-law blamed her for being incompetent to take care of her husband as the reason why the husband cheated.
Moreover, her relatives criticized her, saying that she didn’t take care of herself seriously and that she was not as beautiful as when she was single. That is why her husband is not excited to see her anymore. No wonder her husband looked for another excitement from a more beautiful woman.
The same condition can’t go vice versa for women. My other relative, a young and successful lady, cheated on his husband. When she was sharing her story, most people judged her as being coquettish and slutty. She is wrong because she takes his husband for granted and she lacks gratitude.
