Aku Takut Jadi Perempuan
Words are hanging
In the dark, long road home.
What time is it now?
My breath is almost stuck.
At that time, words were hanging
In front of my eyes.
Words that speak without sound,
With a quick and sharp approach.
Words that become engravings on the wall
Along with the awareness that came this morning.
Before, bus number ten
Had to stop the journey.
Almost made me lose my patience.
What now, in the dark, long road home,
You don’t have to help me.
What will happen if I am alone?
What should I do?
I’m afraid, too afraid. Too many questions.
Trapped in a long labyrinth,
Inside which are engravings of women.
I’m afraid, too afraid. Too many questions.
Trapped in a long labyrinth,
Inside which are engravings of women.
–
Friday/28/01/2022
“i want to walk the empty streets of a busy city. early evening, orange light.” —Mikael Johani
hell is nothing
run from rain
and carry the death
in pocket
i don’t wanna die
crawl from the fire
and carry the stain
in pocket
i don’t wanna die
fade from the light
and carry the darkness
in pocket
i don’t wanna die
nothing left to give
and carry myself in pocket
i don’t wanna die
–
Nightmare’s 02:15
aku ingin hidup bersama lampu-lampu yang kesepian
di musim dingin panjang di norwegia
tanpamu
aku ingin hidup bersama alarm-alarm yang gagal
aku ingin hidup di purgatory yang terikat oleh trampling of ants
aku ingin hidup di hell yang terbelah oleh full stop
aku ingin hidup di helvete yang terbuat dari tusukan tembaga
aku ingin hidup di nirvana yang terancam oleh cuti musim panas
aku ingin hidup tanpamu
juga tanpa siapa pun yang dapat aku sakiti
aku ingin hidup
aku ingin hidup
sebagai sesuatu yang tak akan menyakiti siapa pun lagi
–
Already Gone, Always on Days
tak ada hari senin di tubuhku
semuanya seperti kata-kata yang tak pernah berhenti di sini
di cuaca yang gelap seperti di atap rumah
lagu di kamar yang tak kunjung selesai
di sini dulu di koridor yang tak ada lampu
di atap rumah yang sepi tak bisa mendengar orang lain
di kereta yang berguncang
di halaman rumah yang gelap
di ruang pembuangan sampah yang penuh kutu dan gajah
di kamar mandi yang berantakan
di ruang keluarga yang sepi
di ruang makan yang berantakan
di rumah yang terlalu besar
papan batu
sakit di perut
muntah di ruangan terbuka
tidur di ruangan tertutup
menunggumu
di tengah hari
can you hear me calling
out your name?
i want to be with you everywhere
–
O God, You Don’t Know How I’m Miserable Now
but i do remember my favorite poem by
eddie ward, ‘the gods must be crazy’
because it is the first time i realized
how many ways there are to be lonely.
without god and no one to love me
i am just like those people on subways
or in the park, staring into the meaningless, utterly,
in front of them or with their eyes closed
but i still have hope that someday, somehow, i will find someone to be with for the rest of my life.
in those days, when i go to the bank, i usually see this old man who looks like he’s in his 60’s
with grey hair and moustache.
he also wears reading glasses.
sometimes he will look at me and smile.
i feel sad and comforted.
i sometimes wonder what he thinks of me, if he thinks i am beautiful or a loser.
he never talks to me or anyone else in the bank.
i always wonder if he has family or friends.
i think he is lonely, just like me.
one day, i was at the bank and he was there again and smiled at me again.
(i was so happy that day)
i think god is dead for him too and he’s lonely because of it.
he looks so sad and tired that i want to give him a hug.
but then i don’t know what will happen next. will he reject me?
will he try to touch me? for some reason, i feel so sad for him today.
–
Pantone 292
kesedihan mengabur di jalan pulang
pada hari itu ruang angkasa sedang berdengung
seperti kesedihan yang kubuat sendiri
berulang kali aku mengikuti pemandangan yang sama
ke atas langit biru, ke seluruh hamparan menara dari rumah-rumah
dan jalanan kotor yang bergelombang
di bawahku, di
bawah bayangan kaki
yang ingin bunuh diri
*****
Editor: Moch Aldy MA
