Dan Bersambung dan Puisi Lainnya

Nurul Lathifah

3 min read

Dan Bersambung

I

Aku mengenal kamu saat luka kucukupkan untuk kugenggam, saat kesepian mulai kembali berderak nyaring. Di satu sudut kosong tanpa bunyi, di bagian lain kota. Mungkin kamu sama sepertiku merindukan kebersalingan yang membersamai. Mungkin juga tidak. Kamu orang asing yang belum pernah aku jumpai, kita belum bertemu dan kamu masih di 505; belum ditemukan. Aku merambati serangkaian tembok pertanyaan dalam diam. Kita membawa nampan penuh luka dan menyajikannya di meja: kita sama-sama tahu bahwa kita sedang takluk memasrahkan diri pada proses panjang berdamai dengan diri sendiri. Lalu kita akan bersapa dan aku membiarkan dan memberikan waktu mengungkap segala.

II

Kita bersebelahan menyaksikan senja roboh ke jalan. Lalu kita pun merebah, merengkuh dekap, tanpa beranjak, melebur dalam riak yang hangat. Di dalam ruangan ini, aku mengamati musim mendadak gugur dari matamu, menguning dan meranggas dalam satu waktu. Aroma keletihan menguar di udara, kerut pada dahimu meruncing seolah ingin menebas seluruh ketenangan dalam diri—tiada apa di sana selain ledakan pertanyaan yang membuat lidahku kaku.

A Conversation with My Therapist

my doctor says, what do you remember from that day?

 

aku berkata, memoriku pecah bagai jigsaw dan aku tak punya keberanian untuk menjahitnya

but doc;

ketika orang itu merogoh inti dadaku dan aku pura-pura terlelap, my soul was drenched in confusion

all the words caught in my throat, thoughts brimmed with self blame, when all i want to say is help. it is not poetry.

 

my doctor asks, does that memory impact your relationship?

 

i said, yes, people claim they have a fear of intimacy like it’s meat and potatoes, but doc, for me ever since that day, i am not living;

hidupku terhenti pada angka sepuluh

tujuh kali dua puluh empat jam sylvia plath

if you never heal from what hurts you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you

so i broke up with my boyfriend, thinking i don’t deserve him

 

my doctor says,

silence must be broken,

so we know it’s real, what happened to you is real, what you’re feeling is valid.

with talks, you will begin to heal.

 

kata-katanya bergema di udara, luber membanjiri ruangan,

and i’m only begin to taught myself to swim.

Is My Depression Coming Back?

“mom, my depression is a shape shifter; one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of the bear, the next it’s the bear.” —Sabrina Benaim

I feel low energy, can’t move my body to

clean my room or to do any skincare routine

(look at those pimples!)

I feel empty and alone most of the times

I cry until my tears emptied itself

I get annoyed easily, small inconvenience set me off

I can’t do things that once enjoyable, writing become too much effort to do

I get distracted simply because I can’t concentrate

I can’t sleep or sleeping too much

I isolated myself, because everyone is better off without me, or my disappearance don’t really matter

I feel worthless

I don’t enjoy eating food anymore

Headache is a regular customer

I feel tired and I wanna rest for ever, so I started to search a method to do it, I found it

I typed what is the most lethal way to kill one self on Google

I feel guilty of all the things in this list

Headline News

Entah apa yang merasukiku

Hari itu kupikir adalah hari terbaik untuk membeli angan lewat amin yang dilangitkan

Aku DP dengan solat lima waktu, solawat, dan hampir segala sunah kubayarkan

Tapi hingga setahun lebih sedikit anganku masih sebatas ingin, tak terkabulkan

Tiap hari aku kian gelisah

Tak mungkin Tuhan tak mendengar doa hamba-Nya yang yatim-piatu namun terus berikhtiar

Aku bertanya pada kiai youtube, pada ahli agama, pada orang-orang mukmin, tapi mereka sama-sama menggelengkan kepala pertanda tak tahu

Aku mencomot air mata dari ujung mataku dan melipatnya dalam sebuah surat yang akan kukirimkan untuk Tuhan

Besoknya sebelum kukirimkan surat itu, aku membuka koran dan memindai berita yang ada

Headline News:

MANUSIA PAMER KEBAIKAN DI MEDSOS, MALAIKAT ROQIB PAMIT PENSIUN: “YA GABUTLAH SAYA!”

How to Make Peace with Your Reflection

it’s a new day of classes and you’re ready to learn just about anything

with a lipstick on your right hand, you stroke the red on its soft surface, and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror

but all you see is a liability

i don’t feel red today

you try to tune in and make a list of what you’ve said to the person in the mirror: all you hear is all of your flaws

and all the time you put yourself down

you go to the bathroom erase your make up and unzip yourself until you’re naked you take a glance in the mirror and you hate yourself even more: god is that a new pimple the mole on your right eyelid all the discolorations the stretchmarks in both of your thighs your unruly hair damn these barcode on your wrists a tears roll down from your eyes dejectedly you push aside the memory of feeling pretty good when you don’t look at yourself in the mirror is it the mirror or is it yourself that torment you into self-loathing mode your brain stuck in the time zone when your friends bullied you and now you’re bullying yourself like a never ending loop of sadness

*****

Editor: Moch Aldy MA

Nurul Lathifah

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