The Act of Self Imagined: Six Poems

Ireisha Anindya

1 min read

self-portrait as an older sister

it’s 12 AM & i was looking at our pictures years ago. my heart crumbles at the sight of our smiles. i know i love you because i smile brighter on your sides. we used to fall on each other’s side. i don’t know where to put my love anymore—

why is it so easy to be the best version of myself when i am with you? 

what am i going to do to myself when you are not a part of the picture anymore?

 

i think of myself as a great accident

/ the way big bang explodes and the universe begins / i’m the result of odds and chances / o’ the universe is about endless possibilities / i am myself by luck / i am being of my own opportunities / i am after the fortune that befalls me / my sentience happens on the mercy of a lottery / no one has any reason to be here / we occur by incident / by nature / by timing

 

being a woman is a pre-existing condition

every day is a risk of body-mind harm—you have no choice but to manage them to make it through another day. behind every great man stands a great woman and behind every bastard lies the ruin of women. i’m bearing the consequences of manhood. the cost of your cis-het patriarchy is women’s wounds. and your toxic manhood is nothing more than a man-made disaster.

 

every self is an act of make-believe

my father recited allahuakbar, the god is great close to my ear as i took my first breath so the divinity could enter my fragile body at birth. we are dust imagining ourselves as something holy. we dream we deserve better selves every day. so i’m dreaming i am better than my weaknesses that defined my own humanity. i spend my years fooling myself with the fantasy of knowledge to fill the lack of composure. i draw a smile on my face every day in betrayal of my own damn shame. every day is an invention, against the reality of disappointment.

 

abacadabra (women ver.)

I am greater than my rage & I deserve better than this grief
I am louder than my heartbeat & I deserve better than this dread
and I am so much better than male fantasy.

 

the end of glass ceiling

we are always breaking another glass ceiling
we are just leaving shreds scattering everywhere
we are done with your motherfucking glass ceilings
we are giving up the glass ceiling to meet the sky.

Ireisha Anindya

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